Normally I wouldn’t even bring this up, but this is relevant to money and your life so I’m going to post it anyways.
Today, a homeless man asked me for money and I would have given him the $7.00 in my pocket, but instead I spent money on watching J.J. Abrahms “classic” piece of shit named, “Cloverfield.” Do not read this if you want to see the movie. Actually, fuck that, everyone dies and I basically saved you from not wanting to slit your wrists. Cloverfield is the WORST MOVIE I have seen, want to see, or will see in my lifetime. This movie is so bad, I can write another movie detailing how bad it is.
Essentially, the main character is a douche that is going to Japan to be the VP of some company, which is surprising because he is the dumbest character in the whole fucking movie. There is an “earthquake” and everyone goes outside to see the head of the statue of liberty casually rolling down the street. So instead of heading away from the direction this came from, they head towards it and see the military getting owned by a “monster” which is something a cross between a scorpion, turtle, and spider. I would give more details on this monster but they only show it for 3 minutes combined throughout the entire movie. The longest one period of time you get to see the monster is about 10 seconds when he eats the camera man at the end, which was my favorite part of the movie because that fucker couldn’t hold the camera straight for about 10 seconds the entire movie.
Anyways, so they see this monster, run away from it, go to the bridge where the monster owns some more people by tearing(sp?) the bridge, which is pretty awesome because this kills the head douches brother. Anyways, the head douches cell phone rings, which is weird because his is the ONLY cell phone that works in the ENTIRE city. Turns out that its his one night stand calling him because she’s trapt in her building, so naturally they don’t do the smart thing and evacuate but instead walk into the center of the most dangerous area of the city. As they make their way to her place, they run into little monsters, spawned off by the big monster, that can bite you and infect you. What happens when you are infected? No one knows because the bitch that got bitten was some emo chick that acted like a lifeless piece of shit anyways. I think/hope her head exploded, but you never know for sure because they don’t revist what happens to infected people.
After that bitch gets owned, they FINALLY make their way to the whore’s apartment building, which turns out to be leaning against another similar building. Well the 3 remaining characters out of the original 5 morons, climb up 60 stories, cross into the leaning building, go down 21 stories, find the bitch speared by a beam from the floor. After they pull out the beam, she’s fine (of course) and they do the reverse in about 5 minutes time, with no problems whatsoever. Anyways, they finally get to the evacuation site, where helicopters are taking off. One woman with them takes a separate copter, probably makes it out alive, unfortunately, while they all take the second copter. While in the copter, they see a stealth bomber drop bombs DIRECTLY on the monster, its obviously still fine and takes down the copter they are in. They all survive, the crash, except for the pilot of course. Anyways, the monster eventually finds them for about the 20th time this movie, and kills the camera man, who was probably the best character in the entire movie, but since he couldn’t hold the camera straight, he dies, obv. The monster doesn’t eat him though, it just shakes him to death. The mega douche and big time whore are somehow still alive and find their way under a bridge while the military decides its time to bomb the shit out of New York. The movie ends with them saying, “I love you” to each other and then a bomb fucking owns them. Hence the ending to the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
At the end of the movie, the other audience members with me were in shock. I heard 4 separate people, out of a total of 20 something, ask, “is that the end?” I then said that was the worst movie I’ve ever seen and two people looked back and agreed with me. Honestly, I’m not the type of person to bitch about bad movies, but fuck, Cloverfield, are you fucking kidding me? I don’t even know where the name comes from. Its no one’s last name, its not what they call the monster, wtf? Seriously, save yourself two hours of your life and $10. Your time would be better spent sharpening pencils, trying to teach yourself to fly, and/or playing razz.
